Can I be honest?

 I am having a hard time trying to stay positive and I feel like a horrible person for it. I am so disappointed in myself.  I am so disappointment in myself for everything I did over the past four years. From the impressions I made at my high school to the people i mistakenly choose to give up. I didn't make the right choices. I made too many mistakes and now, I feel trapped, and I’m scared. I'm scared i won’t be able to pull it off and I'm scared i won’t be able to prove myself. I’m scared I will never be able to stand up tall and feel proud again. I’m scared that no four year university will take me seriously. I’m scared an admission's counselor will look at my transcript, throw it in the trash, and laugh. I’m scared i will let my mom down, I’m scared that all the money she spent and how hard she fought for me was all for nothing. I’m scared I will never be able to look at myself with pride. I’m scared I will always have to hide myself and be ashamed. I’m scared that no sorority will accept me because I am not good enough. I'm scared that my past will always be taunting me. I’m scared that I will spend the next ten years explaining the mistakes I made when I was seventeen. And I’m scared I just won’t be able to pull all this off.

Every day is an uphill battle, and every recovery is a battle not so easily won, especially when the war is waged against you. Today is just one of those days where i feel defeated. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. We are all humans, genetically engineered to have feelings, As much as they suck, they don’t just go away with one little green pill, as much as i wish they did. That’s what i have to remember when I’m having a day like this, is that I am only human; and I can only handle so much.

And This is My Story.....

I grew up on a little island just to the right of the Cape. I moved around alot as a kid, divorced parents and all,you know the drill. So this little island became my home. No matter how far down the rabbit hole I slipped, I could always go back to this little island, off the coast, and feel at home again. My dad moved out when I was a kid and that left the three of us, Me, My sister,Cece, Our mom and our great big coonhound Piper. My mom, is the greatest women alive, she is my superhero. She never gave up on me and was always there when we needed her. That lady never missed one concert or recital of ours. To this day she goes to every single one of my sisters marching band performances. She is a rockstar. My sister Cece, is a musician, a well rounded gal. She has the greatest heart and strangest personality. You get use to it.Then there is me,I am the youngest, therefore the baby. My sister still thinks I'm 11. I am sassy as can be and could talk the ear of a cow. My lack of filter gets me in trouble sometimes. I love adventure and would rather be living on a farm with 12 dogs and my cat, peaches, then here. My best friends names is Kathy, she is a curly haired cutie from D.C. I met her on June 7th, the day I moved into my first place on Nantucket, and she has been my sister soulmate ever since.

But a little more about my more confusing story....

This past year was full of ups and downs. Between surviving rehab and balancing my shipwreck of a social life, I have managed to successfully survive. I am back on track and am working my way towards graduating high school (finally -_-) and getting into my dream school.

This blog is dedicated the adventure I call my life.

 Enjoy the ride 

:)

Summer 2014

The Summer of Dolly

January 2013

"Summer love; the person you meet just as the temperature starts to rise and the clothes start to get smaller and the heat of romance, heat’s up. But after that long summer of late nights and carefree attitude, everyone goes back to school and stress sets in. Priorities in relationships shift, and people start to change.  That thrill of a summer romance starts to die and it’s time to get down to the real stuff. Where you face reality and hope for the best. It’s time for me to face the Real world again; I have spent too much time with my head in the clouds. Now I am just floating among the stars."

-Journal of Audrey Barnes