Can I be honest?

 I am having a hard time trying to stay positive and I feel like a horrible person for it. I am so disappointed in myself.  I am so disappointment in myself for everything I did over the past four years. From the impressions I made at my high school to the people i mistakenly choose to give up. I didn't make the right choices. I made too many mistakes and now, I feel trapped, and I’m scared. I'm scared i won’t be able to pull it off and I'm scared i won’t be able to prove myself. I’m scared I will never be able to stand up tall and feel proud again. I’m scared that no four year university will take me seriously. I’m scared an admission's counselor will look at my transcript, throw it in the trash, and laugh. I’m scared i will let my mom down, I’m scared that all the money she spent and how hard she fought for me was all for nothing. I’m scared I will never be able to look at myself with pride. I’m scared I will always have to hide myself and be ashamed. I’m scared that no sorority will accept me because I am not good enough. I'm scared that my past will always be taunting me. I’m scared that I will spend the next ten years explaining the mistakes I made when I was seventeen. And I’m scared I just won’t be able to pull all this off.

Every day is an uphill battle, and every recovery is a battle not so easily won, especially when the war is waged against you. Today is just one of those days where i feel defeated. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. We are all humans, genetically engineered to have feelings, As much as they suck, they don’t just go away with one little green pill, as much as i wish they did. That’s what i have to remember when I’m having a day like this, is that I am only human; and I can only handle so much.

And This is My Story.....

I grew up on a little island just to the right of the Cape. I moved around alot as a kid, divorced parents and all,you know the drill. So this little island became my home. No matter how far down the rabbit hole I slipped, I could always go back to this little island, off the coast, and feel at home again. My dad moved out when I was a kid and that left the three of us, Me, My sister,Cece, Our mom and our great big coonhound Piper. My mom, is the greatest women alive, she is my superhero. She never gave up on me and was always there when we needed her. That lady never missed one concert or recital of ours. To this day she goes to every single one of my sisters marching band performances. She is a rockstar. My sister Cece, is a musician, a well rounded gal. She has the greatest heart and strangest personality. You get use to it.Then there is me,I am the youngest, therefore the baby. My sister still thinks I'm 11. I am sassy as can be and could talk the ear of a cow. My lack of filter gets me in trouble sometimes. I love adventure and would rather be living on a farm with 12 dogs and my cat, peaches, then here. My best friends names is Kathy, she is a curly haired cutie from D.C. I met her on June 7th, the day I moved into my first place on Nantucket, and she has been my sister soulmate ever since.

But a little more about my more confusing story....

This past year was full of ups and downs. Between surviving rehab and balancing my shipwreck of a social life, I have managed to successfully survive. I am back on track and am working my way towards graduating high school (finally -_-) and getting into my dream school.

This blog is dedicated the adventure I call my life.

 Enjoy the ride 

:)

Summer 2014

The Summer of Dolly

January 2013

"Summer love; the person you meet just as the temperature starts to rise and the clothes start to get smaller and the heat of romance, heat’s up. But after that long summer of late nights and carefree attitude, everyone goes back to school and stress sets in. Priorities in relationships shift, and people start to change.  That thrill of a summer romance starts to die and it’s time to get down to the real stuff. Where you face reality and hope for the best. It’s time for me to face the Real world again; I have spent too much time with my head in the clouds. Now I am just floating among the stars."

-Journal of Audrey Barnes 

It's been a Long Day

5.14.2014

It was a Tuesday. I remember that because I was supposed to work on Tuesday because my boyfriend at the time Ryan had work. I had just gotten an amazing job working in a bridal store in Belmont. In my mind, I was leaving for Berklee in the fall and  I had to learn the guitar, master the piano, buys microphones and textbooks and pay fees and learn music and make recordings and forget everything else. That would be my life, and I was okay with that. Growing up, it was eat sleep breath music and chorus. I was so use to it; i never really gave any thought to anything else. Why did I have to, I was talented and loved it.

On November 23 2013, I was admitted into Children’s hospital in Boston for depression and anxiety. It was decided that on the following monday I would be admitted to an outside facility.

"Wait what... I’m not suicidal...I don't want to die...what are you talking about?" That’s what I kept saying to the doctors. That I was "fine." 

I wasn't fine. I was skipping classes, disappearing for hours at a time and i gave up my music. I quit everything. I quit jazz, chorus and I quit my amazing vocal teacher. I thought I had this amazing new life; This boyfriend and amazing new friends, it was a lot easier to start over somewhere else then to stay and face the consequences. I ran away. I abandon the four most special girls i have ever met and I destroyed my relationship with my family. I accepted that I was the family disappointment and did everything to keep that reputation. 

I did it all, getting arrested, drinking, staying out all night, pretending to not give a shit. Yeah, I’m the queen of pretending not to give a shit; I’ve gotten pretty good at it. It’s kind of scary how little I really care about anything. I felt untouchable to everybody and everything. To me, I was on top of the world. 

I told three people what had happen to me, my boyfriend, my best friend and my "gay" best friend* i.e. guy whose secretly in love with you but you have friend zoned* Their reactions were enough to know to keep this secret to myself. By the time this had all happened, I had been to probably been to one full day of classes all year, not including the first day.And going back to regular school seemed like the scariest thing in the world.Trust me, you don't want to be that kid who just randomly shows up one day. There were a lot of questions i wasnt ready to answer and a lot of people wanting to know what was up. Everyday i would validate in my head why it was okay to skip school. It wasn't just like one day here and there; it was full weeks at a time. It was just bad I can’t even put it into words. 

The Monday after I was in Children’s, I was sent to Bournewood facility in Brighton Massachusetts. I was there for two weeks.My first mistake was thinking i didn’t belong there, in my mind, I wasn’t really sick... yea i sometimes couldn't leave my house for a few days but it was fine. I wasn’t cutting like the other girls, just purging, and i could stop whenever i wanted to. I was normal.

"Like fuck you telling me that there’s something wrong with me. I'm fine." 

I left Bourne wood after two weeks and  only took 14 days for me to slip back into my own patterns. Just as long as I had been in Bourne wood. 

I wasn't fixed after Bourne wood; I was quite far from it actually. I didn't care what had happened. I didn't have time to deal with that. I had a boyfriend and friends’ in another town i had to worry about. I seriously didn’t have time to deal with all this bullshit. I was completely over it and didn't really want to acknowledge what was going on. So I did what I had always done and just started going through the motions.

"Yes mom, i have been eating"

"Yes mom, I did go to class today"

I was a liar and a cheater, I didn’t really care who I hurt.

And trust me.... I hurt everybody.

I was diagnosed with an Bulimia nervosa  in January 2014.I don’t really remember the date because I don’t really remember much of anything. Let me put it this way, it feel like i fell asleep when i was 12 and woke up when i was 18.The past five years, to me, are a blur.

It wasn’t until February that I actually started to take my recovery seriously. On February 7th 2014 I was rushed to the hospital for having such low potassium levels I was at risk of having a heart attack at any moment. Imagine that phone call, 17 years old being told you could have a heart attack, on top of that my boyfriend of almost a year had just broken up with me hours earlier.It was a fantastic day.

At this point I felt like I kind of deserved it though. I was mean; I held all this hate in my heart for no reason. My eating disorder will never be an excuse for the way I have acted in the past year. I deserved to lose friends and to not graduate on time. I chose to do all those things. No one forced me to stop eating, no one forced me to stick my finger down my throat, no one forced me to stay home from school, but i also didn’t ask for all the rest of it. But those stories are for a different day.

I didn’t explain why or how my ED was developed, just when, how’s not really important.  

To most people, saying you have an eating disorder has become this "social trend." 1 in 10 men and women in the United States suffer or have suffered from an eating disorder. Only 35% get treatment.  Bulimia nervosa is a serious disease and should not be taken lightley. If you or anyone have had any premature signs of an eating disorder please tell a loved one, its better to get help now then think you can fix it on your own. Its an addiction and should be treated as such. 

I fell in love, got my heartbroken, got arrested, almost failed out of high school and single handily drove my mother to insanity.

I’m not saying I’m 100% again because I really couldn’t tell you what that feels like. But I’m doing okay. I really am. It been the hardest year of my life and now that it’s coming to a close I can’t wait to start fresh on Nantucket and leave all this recovery nonsense behind me once and for all. 

I take Zoloft everyday now for my depression and anxiety and I have an amazing team of doctors and (obviously) the best mom to help me balance out and get me through my recovery. 

You can choose to believe my stories or you cannot.

 But let me just ask you.....

How would you feel if you were me?

My eating disorder has been a secret that I have held onto for the past 5 years to protect myself against other people opinions. Having an eating disorder didn't make me strong. My eating disorder destroyed my life. What made me "strong" was my support team of doctors and friends. They made me want to be strong. Without these amazing people in my life I doubt I would be alive today.Especially my mom. She saved my life.

 I don’t know where I’m going to be in 6 months or even a year from now, but I’m alive and I'm working on it and that’s good enough for me.

So hey cut me some slack okay,

I just woke up.

EEEEEP sorry....Update!

Sorry i haven't been blogging lately, its been coming down to the crunch leaving for nantucket and of course my mom up and leaves for Mexico. I leave in 12 days or so. Sadly my housing fell through so at the moment im pretty screwed but I still have a little time. Maybe im just optimistic. I'll probably die of heat stroke if im stuck in Boston. Last four days of highschool though!! Im pretty amped. Its 84 in 

Boston today and no one seemed really prepared for this weather It went from like 50 to 80 overnight. I can personally say I am dying.

Hope everyone else is doing well!!

5/2/2014

Junior Prom 2013

With senior year coming to an end, it’s getting really hard to come to terms having to say goodbye. In 11 days, the class of 2014, will finally graduate and go our separate ways. It’s scary to think in only two weeks all this will be over. I can’t tell if I feel relieved or am just too stressed to care. Everyone says “You'll miss high schools it’s the best years of your life. “I don't believe that. Yea, I guess there will be some things I’ll miss about high school….I can't seem to think of any right now, but I will… Eventually... But my plan has always been get as far away as fast as you can. With high school finally coming to a close, I look back on the past four years and obviously wish I could do it over again but; it will be one of those sad to see you go moments but happy to watch you leave kind of feelings. I had amazing friends throughout the past four years and it will be sad to watch them all go to college in the fall. I'm excited to leave for the island this summer. Away from all the chaos that this year has brought.

PS I’m in the school library right now and the keyboard is actually shiny from grease

 Gotta go wash my entire forearm now

xoxo

 This New England weather is really bringing me down. Mother nature hasn't really decided yet if she wants it to be spring, or if she wants to curse us with an eternal winter.I guess thats what you get for voluntarily living here.... in other news I officially committed to working at Young's Bike shop this summer on Nantucket! I start June 2nd! Cece and I are leaving for the island May 23 and I yet to start packing.I can't believe we leave that soon.

Well wish me luck

xoxo

I guess you could say I'm a "Lifer"

So tell me about you?

In every application/ Interview/ Website sign up/whatever or what have you, they always ask an "About you" type question
 Well I don't really know about me. And in 144 characters or less I really couldn't tell you. If I took a gander, I would say I am a musician, a "student" if that counts, a daughter....but really I'm a "lifer."Somebody who lets life take them where its meant to go.
My dad use to say if he could define his life in one phrase it would be "Pura Vida." A Costa Rican phrase that means Pure Life. For the past ten years my dad has said a big F*** you to the corporate world and has done well,what ever the hell he has wants to do. In the past ten years, my dad has ran the Boston marathon and the dominated in the Marine Corps Marathon, built hundreds of houses for Habitat for Humanity, Went back to college, Learned a whole new trade, Explored and surfed Costa Rica and Renovated two "green" houses. 

My dad has friends all over the world. Every city we go to all around the world my dad has had a story of your mothers cousins aunts friends new business idea  or mets an incredibly hipster chick on the sidewalk who is really into poetry … Even though my dad and I have chosen to go our separate ways. My dad is an extraordinary human being.  Fifty percent of the time my dad is the cool dad. He is the smartest man I have ever met in my entire life which also makes him the most annoying man because hes always right and you cant argue cause he just knows everything.Like any little girl, growing up, my dad was "God".I had the "cool dad." He wasn't around, so I could make him out to be any way I wanted.  Because no little girl wants to hate their daddy.

 In a lot of ways my dad has gifted me with a very special childhood.From his backyard tie dye parties to his unnecessarily big blue pick up truck, my dad did a pretty good job when he could. Like come on I had hippy parents. I still do. Look at my mom she a freaking fruit loop. (JK mom, you're super cute <3)

He taught me a very good life lesson in my unconventional childhood. 
He showed me that no matter what life threw at you; no matter how bad it got; it would be okay. He taught me to trust my decisions. He taught me to take the unconventional route. Though our relationship isn't what it used to be or even how I wished it would be. In a way I admire his choice; even though in a thousand words or less I could tell you otherwise, He showed me the right way of life.

 I love that part of my dad, just by being him he could change someone's outlook on life; The special part of him whose pure motto in life is to solely live it happily. 
So I guess in 144 characters or less I couldn't really define myself as well as my dad could.But I'm working on it. I'm getting there, it took me a while to start to listen but now I am.I guess you could say, I'm on my way to becoming a "Lifer"

Lets talk about Love....

“According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

-Plato

I love Greek mythology. I love Greek mythology because it gives life and meanign to things we can't explain. Plato's story of two people forced to wander the stars looking for each other has an ability to capture that feeling of lost love.

I think it captures the essence of loneliness.

In my mind, lately, I have felt lost. Due to my recent roller-coaster of a relationship; Maybe I just can't imagine someone being able to love me unconditionally. Or has love become, like this story, a myth? Is there even a point in trying? Is there really? To be able to fully give yourself over to someone and let them see every part of you; is it really worth the heart break in the end? Because it seems to me that it all ends in heartbreak;

 I distinctly remember the feeling of realizing the person you love no longer love you back. “I never loved you…This was all a mistake” Those words replay in my head every time I start to feel okay again. I’m not some huge wreck who can’t leave her house, but I am in a stage where I don't know really know what to do anymore. I feel extremely lost. I gave up a large part of my life for someone and look where it got me? It feels like it was all a dream; like it was another life.  

I would never wish that feeling upon anyone. No one deserves to feel like that; to feel that love is just a distant dream that can never be achieved; at such a young age, empty and broken. I look around at the relationships that surround me today and I cannot even begin to understand how they work. I look at my best friends falling in love and I can't help but want to scream at them "None this is real!”

 Because to me right now; it’s not. 

I’m not in any place to want to love somebody right now. That just were I am right now. I feel very stuck. It has taken me a long time to be okay with that. For the first time in a long time I am okay with being alone. Sometimes you need to be alone for a while to be able to find yourself again. Plato said that “Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet." That’s what I am doing right now.

 I am trying to sing a song again.

For see the full story http://9gag.com/gag/a4KMVrv/according-to-greek-mythology-humans-were-originally-created-with-4-arms-4-egs-a-head-with-2-faces

10 Things I love about my Mom

1. She "Hip" and knows the "Lingo"

2. She works her ass off

3. That she thinks this video is the funniest thing on the internet

4. She can and will fall asleep anywhere

 5.Shes a Hot mom

6. Her sense of humor 

7.Her selfie game is on point

8. She's a pint sized Mini Mom

9.She married the greatest man, and the best stepdad in the world.

10.She tolerates us

Love you Mom.

Happy Birthday <3

Senior Stress

Well... It’s that time of year again. The countdown has started and there is officially 46 days left of my high school career. Needless to say I am freaking out. 

Due to having to  a personal leave from school I am four months behind. So here I am, 5:40 AM, Awake. Senior crunch is finally starting to get at me. Well.... Here we go...

Wish me luck!

Why do you need to know?

Sometimes I find its really hard to be a girl. Men always say the hardest thing to do is to ask a girl out.But I say the hardest thing to do is to tell them no. You feel like a heartless bitch trying to let them down gently. And sometimes, its like they just don't want to hear it.Recently i've been found defending myself over saying no. I've had to give validation.I believe that when you say no that should be the end of it,no validation required.Why do you need another reason.No should mean no;Not maybe.
Being 17, I may be a little naive in saying this but when did no become an option? Its seems like no is not enough anymore. You can't just say no.Then your always faced with the "why"question.That dreadful question you don't have an answer to. Men only hear what they want to hear.Some how in their minds,no means maybe,they could still convince me otherwise. Think about it....really think about it... Whens the last time you told a guy no; without an explanation or reasoning and they just accepted that.
When did "because I don't want to" not be good enough?

Lazy Day

Good Afternoon Bloggers!

I love the rain.

 Especially on a Saturday. 

Today the first day in months that its not ice cold outside. This winter has been absolutely brutal.Im just not about that.Luckily today it reached 45! You can almost smell the springtime in the air

I cleaned my room today and successfully washed my sheets all by myself. I seriously should invest in a full length mirror so I can try to upload my real #OOTD instead of having to recreate them.

My latest obsession has been comfy sweaters. They have just been one of my staple items this past winter; That and infinity scarves. Peaches has been chasing hair elastics around the room all day.Shes such an oddball. Well not much exciting going on today other than cleaning.Till next time.....Stay flawless 

LuLulemon Leggings//Chestnut Uggs//Mac Studio Sculpt Foundation//Naked 3 Pallette//Eos//Essie Nail Polish in Find me an Oasis//Mac Mineral Finish Foundation in Light Plus

Lazy Day by audreybarnes featuring black slim pants

Well here we go....Lets talk about High School

3/28/2014

Rainy Day Rant

Rumors

On this rainy day i had been thinking and think it is time to address something i have to deal with on a daily basis.... Rumors, and a hell of a lot of them.Being a 17 year old girl in a small town pretty much guarantees you're the queen of gossip.Nobody loves high school, the only people who love high school are the two or three super popular kid who everybody secretly hates but is totally 100% obsessed with .In every high school theres cliches;the band kids, the popular kids, the emos and the mean girls. Or in my high school, the round table and long table kids.The long table kids are the "popular kids" the kids who think they drink  a lot and throw parties in the garages and basements of their parents houses. The round table kids are the performing arts kids, the emos, the asians, the rejects and pretty much any body who is different and creative in any way. Because of some cool "New Kid' stamp i received when i moved to this god forsaken town a few years ago, i have made it to the accepting arms of the long table kids...kind of.Popularity is literally based on how hard you party and how pretty you are. If you look the part you get the part. It like the first day of middle school life hands us our social labels and were stuck with whatever fate was forsaken upon us.I got tagged with the music kid, i'm "artsy" cause i have a cool voice and wear a lot of flannels. oh well better than being a slut.oh! wait... i forgot thats the new "thing" apparently,the more guys you sleep with helps you get invited to all the parties, and we all know parties means popularity sooo... Everyone wants what they can't have, in a small town, word tend to travel a little fast.Its all about the gossip.  The thing i love about rumors is that they always tend to have a little truth to them; someone doesn't just think of an elaborate lie and then purposely tell everyone they know....well unless you're a complete wacko with some serious attention problems (you'll know who you are).So at the end of every rumor is a story.  My favorite kinds of people are people who think its okay to do sneaky things and expect to get away with it. Theres no such things as secrets anymore. People love to talk. Its ridiculous the things you'll hear or more like what people will tell you. The other day a girl i barely knew told me she had a pregnancy scare! Its like theres no boundaries anymore to what someone will say. But what do i know... Guess i just like talking about high school.